It's a been a little over a month now that I've been home adjusting to real life after an experience that often times still seems unreal.
Coming back to my home from any trip has always been difficult for me. For days I suffer from vacation hangover; I'm in a daze, I spend hours reminiscing the details of the trip, and immediately start daydreaming about the next adventure.
I've become comfortable with this pattern of post travel melancholy. Although it's a slow fade, eventually I begin to adjust to the patterns of my life and find pleasure in routine.
But not this time. Something has changed. Everything has changed.
As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into a month, my real life in Hoboken had lost its color. I felt numb.
In my last blog, "The 4 Day Date," I wrote about how I experienced a fairytale-like romance that left me dazed, confused, and shaken to my core.
In that post I bared my heart and soul to everyone I knew sharing deeply personal moments unaware of what lingering affects that story and that "date" would have on me.
I was completely ruined. My soul ached each time I realized that the moments and connection I had experienced throughout this year and especially on that 4-day date were lost and that this colorless life was now my reality.
A part of me always knew this would happen. This whole year has been an unraveling of what I have been trying for so long to suppress. It was only a matter of time before that one trip, that one moment, that one connection, would finally propel me to vocalize my deepest truth; my time here in New Jersey, in the US, had expired.
I had traveled too deeply down the rabbit hole, and although I was desperately attempting to claw my way back up to a life that "made sense", it was clear that this life no longer suited me.
A lot of people think I'm losing my mind, and maybe I am. But I can no longer dance around the perimeter of the life I want to have. I can no longer pretend that I'm not yearning for more or fantasizing about a feeling I know was real.
When you're a person that feels everything so intensely, the way I do, you often times feel like no one understands the why that moves you to do what you do.
It was only recently, when I started to really come to terms with my intensity and accept this wildness that lives inside me that I began to attract people that were accepting and understanding of the crazy that lives in my head.
I was attracting people that are vibrating at a higher level, the type of people who's passion and intensity mimicked mine.
The meeting of my beautiful stranger and our 4-day date was the perfect reminder of my vibrational force at work, of the magic that exists when you're ready and open. We had been brought together by a force bigger than ourselves, for multiple reasons, some of which we are unsure of; that is alchemy.
This man and this new and unknown "relationship" has broken me, but I have also been liberated. He grabbed my soul by the shoulders and shook it up, asking me if I was really living the life that brought me the purest happiness and love, and if not, what was I waiting for?
And only a few weeks later, that same beautiful stranger, has offered me an opportunity to join him to pursue those endless possibilities, adventure, and to quench my insatiable thirst to live life out in the big expansive world.
So what do I do now? The only thing I can do; surrender to the unknown and let my heart and soul be pulled toward the inspiration, intensity, and fire it desperately craves. I need to follow the sun, the fire, and that sun that's calling my name is in Morocco.
To be honest I have no idea what is going to happen. I have no expectations, no demands, no rules. I am terrified. I'm terrified of a potential failure. I'm terrified of potential heartbreak. But my biggest fear would be staying where I am and never knowing how much magic really exists.
So next week I will pack my bags, I will exchange tearful goodbyes, and I will allow my soul to be pulled toward the blinding light of possibility, adventure, alchemy, and love.