Falling in love is scary.
Looking in my mirror, and admitting that I may be falling in love is breaking down patterns of my past. If you’re lucky, you meet someone who has something about them that makes you feel at peace with those overwhelming emotions. A tranquil aroma that you’ve never smelled before. If you’re really lucky, or better yet destined, that person respects you, cares for you, and honors every ounce of your soul. The illusion of fear starts to subside, and you start to give this person access to your most prized possession, your heart. That same fragile heart that you’ve kept locked up and protected for the last 2 years, that has been broken and bruised, and also left others defeated. It has been bandaged up more times than you’d like to admit.
There is no way to prepare for what happens when you’ve been hypnotized by the magic spell of love. Love doesn’t play by anyone’s rules, conform to any agenda, or even geographic location. You can’t contain or control it. When it grips your being, it’s better to surrender all your invented fears, patterns, and limitations. Going along for the ride has the power to be one of life’s ultimate journeys. 4 months ago I went to Morocco willing to be swept up by that spell we all know as love. When I think back on it now it seems almost like a dream. And in a way it was. What happened in Morocco happened suddenly, without warning, and very naturally, almost easily. This causal encounter post the 4 Day Date, was now flesh and bone and we were living together, working together, and more importantly becoming FREINDS together.
With each day I spent in Morocco, I dove deeper into the rabbit hole. Love’s grip tightened, and began holding both of us, together. We found ourselves craving one another. I shared with him my love for yoga and he allowed me to guide his body and his breath through MY passions. He graciously pulled me into the water, sharing with me HIS love for the ocean and for the surf. In the safety of his presence I came face to face with my fears of the ocean, surfing, swimming. Even overcoming my fear of falling in love was giving me a taste of the jounrey we all face when breaking out of our comforts, and chasing our manifested dreams. He saw me as fearless, he saw me as unstoppable. In his gaze I found myself, and I WAS fearless, I WAS unstoppable. In the dark of night I would feel his hand caress my cheek in my sleep, he would reach for me and pull me closer, holding my hand and sleeping coiled so deeply into me that every part of our body and soul was intertwined, and NOT because we were in a twin size bed.
Although we hadn’t voiced it, we both knew what could happen later down this road. Jumping off a figurative cliff, we would fall, but we would learn to adapt and pull the parachute together in harmonious synchrony. This is nothing like the scary love I once thought I knew. This love had a sweet smile and kind eyes that changed colors when he looked at me. This love encouraged and pushed me to grow into the best surfer, yogi, teacher, and WOMAN I could be all over the world. This was easy. This unconventional spontaneous affair in Africa made sense, so we dove in. Those 3 months were a love struck high. I studied him, memorizing every inch and curve of his face. Every fiber of his man beard. I analyzed every movement of his fingers while he strummed the guitar singing songs for me and about me that pentrated my soul. I would close my eyes as he sang so that the sounds could fill me up, the vibrations becoming a part of me, healing, and removing the old unnecessary bandages.
This time our goodbyes were said deep in the Sahara Desert with sand dunes and stars as far as the eye could see. The brightest and most luminous full moon was shining just for us. In that moment under that moon there was no fear, hesitation, or worry, only a divine connection so strong it was undeniably love at its purest and most natural form. It’s been a month since that night in the desert with my ocean man. Our lives and our work have pulled us apart, and it’s been more heart breaking than I ever imagined it to be. The days and the nights apart have begun to blend into one, and missing him has become a part of my existence. I carry a vacant space inside me, day after day, country after country. I do find moments of peace in knowing that this time apart is temporary, and soon his ocean scent, his gentle touch, and the heat of his heart will once again be my reality and no longer this temporary haunting illusion. In just 2 weeks time I will once again pack up my bags, kiss my loved ones goodbye, and continue the next chapter of this epic life journey. I will bring my heart to its new home in the secluded paradise of Nicaragua. Fearlessly falling deeper in that rabbit hole of love.